I have not written in forever.  I feel like our whole world has shifted and I am not even the same person as I was before.  It is crazy how our life trials and experiences can do that to us.  I am starting to come out of the for and have realized I have missed a lot of my great experiences and should be writing them down.  It is crazy how the more time that passes the more my brain try's to change the stories as they were.  Even after a few hours of some experiences they seem cloudy and I start to doubt they ever really happened.  So many things have happened, we have been through a world wide shut down with covid 19, which was completely ridiculous and that is a whole other topic.  We have gone so many years without talking to or seeing my brothers Brad and Greg.  Our Merrill family has been torn to pieces and we really don't understand any of it.  It all started with a divorce.  Chris and Cindy got divorced and then shortly Brad and Sara also got divorced.  It is so hard on families to go through all of the things we have and even harder to see the kids go through all of it.  

Brad and Sara when they first decided to divorce didn't want anything to change and wanted to stay friends, but that didn't last very long at all.  Things went sour very fast and got very ugly.  Sara is one of my very best friends and is truly a sister to me and because I do not hate her and didn't stop talking to her, Brad and Greg told me they can no longer be family with me.  They have made it very clear that they didn't want anything to do with me and have done the same thing to the rest of my family.  It has been a very hard four years with fights and fears and so many unanswered questions.  I may write about it later but there is just so much that I don't know if I ever could write it all.  None of it really matters anymore. 

This Christmas Brad chose to end his life.  His girlfriend Stacy had died 7 days prior from a drug overdose and he didn't think he could live without her.  It has been so hard to get a handle on things and I just feel emotionally dead inside, and very numb.  

I was helping Sara by taking Tate for a couple weeks and he has been struggling very badly.  It was nice to have him here and he was pretty good while he was here.  He and Max have a lot of fun together and they had a lot of good times.  There was one time while we were driving home from logan and Max and Tate were in the back of Ryans Truck and they just laughed the whole way home about anything and nothing.  It was very cute and it reminded me of when Liz and Mya were little and we would call them little giggle butts.  

After Tate left I had an experience that I am still processing but the more I think about the more my brain is changing and telling me it isn't real.  That is why I need to write it down before I forget it completely.  

I was laying down and Ryan had just told me goodbye and left for work.  I was not asleep but kinda in the middle of dosing off.  I started to hear static noise in my heard like a radio static and then I heard Brads voice as clear as day.  I have tried to recreate it and and do it again and every time I do it is never his voice, and it is always in my voice.  It was so crazy how it sounded like the old brad that was my brother, and I felt his old self in that voice. 

He called me a name and I think it was beefcake or something like that.  Which is what he would call me when I was younger.  He then said that it has been a really long time sense he has heard Tate laugh like that.  (my mind went to Max and Tate in the truck).  He then said, thank you for taking care of Tate, and then the static was a lot louder.  I tried really hard to keep hearing him and he was saying he was really sorry for everything.  And then a few seconds later he said he loved me.  And I felt love.  I don't know how to explain that but just a warmth and swelling in my chest.  

After the sound was gone, I layed there and I didn't want to open my eyes.  I tried to stay in that state of fall back into a somewhat of a sleep but I couldn't.  So I opened my eyes and just layed there and cried.  And then started to doubt the whole thing and say it couldn't have really happened.  

But like I have said, I have tried to make things happen or replay it and even in a dream the voices are never the same of what I heard.  It was so clearly Brads voice and I could not see him,  but I could feel it.   I am still wondering if it is real but it is also something I can not deny.  

It did mean a lot to me to hear him say that he was sorry and even more to hear him say that he loves me.  That is something I have wondered about sense we were kids.  We have not been the closest of siblings and have not had a whole lot to do with each other.  But no matter what we still have a strong bond of being family.  And no matter what, I will always love my Brother Brad.